goodbyes suck.

Forgive me today, everyone, for I have broken the cardinal sin in the workplace by ugly/swollen/red face crying all day.   

After rounds of emotional buyouts and difficult layoffs at Turner Broadcasting and CNN, today is the day that I say goodbye to my mentor and friend, Paul Caron.

Paul has worked for CNN for 28.5 years - in two countries, four bureaus (Detroit, Miami, London and Atlanta) and he's done more or less every job television has to offer - from an On-air Correspondent to Assignment Manager to Unofficial Expert on Detroit.

His unparalleled experience, sound news judgement, and managerial style is something of legend around here.  His quick wit, lead by example attitude and unceasing loyalty made him adored my many - as both a colleague and friend.  Without a doubt, he is one of the best bosses that I've ever had. 

When I told him I was dealing with depression, he told me if I needed anything, he would be there and then he said, "This doesn't mean I can't still make fun of you, right?"

I burst out laughing - it was exactly what I needed to hear. I have a book full of "Paul Caron-isms" just like that - I will cherish it always.

When he celebrated 25 years with the company, my friend Jackie and I made a video tribute with words of praise and roasts from our colleagues.   There is no way we could ever top that video, but all of the sentiments and tributes still stand.

Paul, we love you.  We will all miss you.  CNN wouldn't be what it is without you and it won't ever be the same when you're gone. 

In the words of the man himself, "A tip of the Old English D," to you, Paul!  Best of luck!

And seriously, I know it's a long shot - but if my dad, brother and all male family members pass away AND I ever get married (BIG if, I know), I really hope you'll walk me down the aisle.

funny girl.

This picture was taken in 2011, a few weeks before my 31st birthday and two weeks after I was diagnosed with depression.  That's a shower cap on my head and I was surrounded by my friends and colleagues while out for a drink after work.

"Look at me," it screams, "I'm the funny girl!" 

I often was the funny girl.

I was also severely depressed. 

I wrote about my diagnosis for CNN.com - about being the life of the party, the girl who tries new things, a Wal-Mart hula-hooper.  I denied that I could be a depressed person - because I didn't identify with what I thought a depressed person looks like.  In light of Robin Williams' death, the article was resurrected last night.  While I'm a little embarrassed at the attention the old article is getting, so many of the points I made back then still apply now.   

The irony (that's irony, right?)  that someone who brought us so many laughs was himself so depressed is a concept with which I am all too familiar.  

Like so many other diseases, mental illness does not discriminate - it affects people young and old, black and white, rich and poor - even the people who make us laugh the hardest and most often.  Sometimes, it's the funniest people who are in fact the saddest, as Jim Norton points out in this poignant Time article.

"The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it."

I'll reserve words like "devastated" and "heartbroken" for my family and friends - people I actually know and love and don't just watch in movies, but I feel so profoundly sad that mental illness has claimed another - and this time someone as spectacular as Robin Williams.

He will live forever through the iconic roles that he played - as the genie in Aladdin, as Mrs. Doubtfire and Peter Pan, as Doctor Sayer in Awakenings and Professor Sean McGuire in Good Will Hunting.

May he finally rest in peace.

If you are depressed or have had thoughts of suicide, please seek help. Here are a few resources: 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
National Alliance on Mental Illness
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
American Psychiatric Association

You are not alone.  It does get better.    

And like Professor Sayer said, "You'll have bad times, but they'll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to."

chasing dreams.

"If you want support for your dream, support someone else’s dream first." 

-Author Jon Acuff

The other day while scrolling through my Facebook feed, I couldn't help but feel impressed.

In fact, I may have mumbled aloud, "Damn, I know some people doing some cool shit."  

Amid the Farmville invitations, beach and food porn photos, ambitious friends from all different facets of my life are out in the world chasing exciting dreams and are bravely asking for help in achieving them; since I know how difficult self-promotion can be, nothing pleases me more than to use my own space to promote these and ask for your support on their behalf.   

While she may be one of the most hysterical people on the planet, my friend Caroline Van Sickle is also a serious business woman who is serious about beauty.  In her last year in business school, Caroline created Pretty in My Pocket, aka PRIMP, a FREE mobile app that serves as your beauty aisle shopping tool - connecting you to other consumers who have already bought and commented on that product.  Through Plum Alley, a fundraising site geared , Caroline is asking for support to take her business idea to the next level.

Ramone Dickerson didn't know a stranger at Irmo High School, nor did he have a single enemy.  He and a friend created 2 Fat 2 Fly Stuffed Chicken Wings.  Is your mouth watering?  I said STUFFED CHICKEN WINGS!  In addition to inventing such a culinary delight, Ramone and his partner also happen to be hilarious - so much so, that OWN - as in the Oprah Network - has given them their own reality show, Wingmen.  I cannot think of anyone who will make a better television personality than Ramone and I will definitely be watching.  The show debuts August 16th. 

Justice Littlejohn, Grayson Goodman and Ryan Crabtree are also guys that I went to high school with in South Carolina.  Their dream is to open a creative space where they can feature their original and regional art.  One of Justice's funky paintings hangs in my kitchen - and he is the real deal.  The trio found the space to make their dream a reality and need financial help to create a studio where they can create and teach others . . . all while serving free sweet tea (to go with your stuffed chicken wings).

Tanika Gray is more than just my co-worker - after years of admiring each other's outfits and sharing thoughtful conversations about provocative Halloween costumes and race relations, she's definitely a friend.  I'm also almost certain that she never sleeps because once she leaves work, she's always on the go - speaking at an International Women's Conference in India, being honored with awards for all of her work in the community, or snapping selfies at fabulous parties.  Her latest achievement - House Resolution 1898. After watching her mother suffer with fibroids, and then struggling with the condition herself, Tanika took action and lobbied to have July declared Fibroids Awareness Month in the state of Georgia.  She will be at the Capitol this morning on behalf of her White Dress Project.

While often unmotivated and unsure of how to navigate my own dreams, watching others go after theirs in a big way certainly has the potential to make me feel insecure.  And on particularly bad days, I do.  But mostly I am inspired and completely impressed by this network of people I know doing extraordinary things.

I hope that you'll check them out, visit their sites, donate to their causes, eat their wings, watch their shows and be inspired to find your dream.  If you've already found it - let me know.  I'm happy to support - unless your dream is making potato salad, and then, well probably not.  But good luck!

And unrelated, except for the fact that I annoyingly ask him all the time to tell me his hopes and dreams usually right in the middle of a sporting event or concert he's watching, today is my boo Jacob's birthday.

Happy Birthday JJ and keep chasing your dreams!